The Marauders vs the Purity Test
by LadyClassical
Summary: 16-year-old Sirius Black gets his hands on a little test and decides to try it out on his friends, on one condition-that all four of them be 100% honest!


"Christmas is coming up soon," James Potter commented, spreading out on his four-poster. It was Friday evening, December 14, 1975. He was still wearing his uniform white button-down, but had swapped the slacks for pajama pants, and the red-and-gold tie had been thrown haphazardly over the side of the bed. "Good, because I'm exhausted. The teachers won't stop blabbing at us about O.W.L.s."

"When does the train leave?" Peter asked.

"Sunday night," James told him. "Too bad we won't be able to have Full Moon together this month, eh, Moony?"

Remus let out a loud groan of trepidation. The full moon was only in four days. Even though, as always, he'd been allowed to skip his 7 and 8 am classes this week, he still felt awful. He enjoyed the night of the full moon, when his friends could transform into animals and they could traipse around Hogwarts and Hogsmeade together, but the fact that they were all three Animagi now didn't change the fact that his physical well-being fluctuated irritatingly as a result of the lunar cycle, often leaving him to feel very off-color—it was like fucking clockwork.

Sure, it was better with his friends in on the reason why—they'd spend their own money on treats for him at Honeydukes, they'd get his ibuprofen if he wanted it, they wouldn't be bewildered and lost when their normally sweet-tempered friend might be a bit short with them, they'd be quiet if he wanted sleep. But they were still normal humans, who could only help so much.

"Want your Advil?" James pointed to the many bottles of pain medication on Remus's nightstand.

"No, just a chocolate frog. Well…give me three, actually."

"You've finished off your chocolate supply."

"Perhaps they have some at the school bookstore…"

"Moony, it's almost midnight!"

"So what?!"

"So they're _closed_." James gestured to his watch pointedly. Remus made a sound like a wounded animal and put his head under the covers.

James may have been about to say something more, but that was when Sirius stepped out of the bathroom, wearing boxer shorts and his silk red-and-gold Gryffindor bathrobe, looking smug, like he knew something they didn't. James sat up slightly; when he looked closer, he saw that his friend was holding a long piece of parchment.

"What's that?" James asked.

"What's _this_?" Sirius pretended to look shocked. "Prongs, you should know better…"

"Well, I don't—what have you got?"

"It's a little quiz we can do. I nicked it from some seventh-years," Sirius said mysteriously, and lit his wand under his chin. "But you must swear by the bonds of brotherhood that you shall not lie."

"We swear," the other three promised.

"All right, gentlemen," Sirius said importantly. "James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, are you ready for the Purity Test?"

"The _Purity_ Test?" James was looking intrigued now.

"It's to test how pure you are, as the name implies," said Sirius. "Question one: Have you ever had a date?"

"No," said Peter.

"Well…not really," said James. "But, you know, I could if I _wanted_ to."

"If it counts that I took Evelyn Marsh to prom a couple years ago, then yes." Remus dared peek his head out from under the covers. Of course, his date with Evvy hadn't been fun, seeing as he'd turned into a werewolf, but it still counted as a date, right?

"Good," said Sirius. "And as you all know, my powers have never failed me. Question two: Have you ever kissed or been kissed by an MOS? And no, your mom doesn't count."

"What does MOS mean?" Peter asked.

"It means a girl," said Sirius. "My answer is yes."

"I haven't," James told him, and Peter shook his head, but Remus raised one hand.

"Evvy gave me a little kiss on the cheek right before the '73-'74 school year ended," he said timidly. "Does that count?"

"Well, it doesn't say exactly where she has to kiss you, so yeah, I guess that counts." Sirius consulted his parchment. "Question three: Have you ever engaged in sexual activity on the first date?"

"How would you define 'sexual activity'?" James asked.

"Holding hands," said Peter.

"Kissing," said Remus.

"Sexual intercourse," said Sirius, and paused. "Hmm. Nobody?"

"Of course we—haven't…" Remus was looking suspiciously at Sirius, who was barreling on with the quiz.

"Question number four!" Sirius grinned. "Have you ever seen an MOS naked?"

"In person?" said James, and he and Sirius broke out into laughter.

"I don't suppose you got your hands on pornography, Prongs," said Remus, wishing he had a chocolate frog he could shove into his mouth to distract him from his embarrassment.

"You can find it in any Muggle library," James told them. "It's called 'National Geographic', baby."

The boys positively howled.

" _Et tu_ , Padfoot?" James asked, wiping a tear of laughter from his eye and cleaning his glasses on his shirt.

"I've been dating Lucy Marsh for a year and a half now, Prongs," Sirius said. "What do you think we do together? Study for O.W.L.s?"

"Well, I should think you'd talk and get to know each other better," said Remus.

"Who's to say we don't, Moony?" Sirius smiled. "That's what dates are for. Anyway…have you ever massaged or been massaged by an MOS?"

"How is massage impure?" said Remus. "It'd feel great on my shoulder."

"Well, he means massage with ulterior motives," James explained. "Do you honestly think a guy's going to massage a girl because her _shoulder_ hurts?"

"I have a feeling there's no right answer to that question," Remus replied, but he realized they just couldn't see it from his point of view. Pain was probably the worst symptom he got in the week preceding the full moon, among others, and massages were a great relief to him. But to his friends, they were a joke.

Sirius snorted with laughter at the next one. "Have you ever…"

"Have I ever what?" said James, straining to look at the parchment.

"Have you ever touched a girl's breasts?"

James just laughed, while the other two screamed that they hadn't, but the Marauders already knew, of course, that Sirius had gotten to second base with Lucy the night he took her to prom in 1974.

"What's next?" Remus blurted out in spite of himself. Although he would never admit it, he was having a bit of fun with this now. It was a good distraction, at the very least, especially since he was running out of unhealthy food to shove into his mouth.

Sirius shrugged. "Let's see…have you ever showered with an MOS?"

" _Showered_?" Remus said incredulously. "Like you soap each other down?"

"No, you have sexual intercourse in there," Sirius told him, like it was obvious.

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"I think you'll be all right, Moony," said James, but he was smiling.

"Next question: have you ever had oral sex? Like a blow job?"

"No," said the other three in turn, but when Sirius just kept smirking, James asked, "You did, mate? When?"

"Like I said, some of my times with Lucy were times of great discovery," Sirius told him. "But to be honest, the blow job I got wasn't that professional."

"Would you rather have a professional do it?" said James, and this brought on yet another round of laughter. "I mean, I know you come from money, but…"

"Have you ever simulated sex with an inanimate object?" Sirius continued.

"With a _what_?" Remus was beginning to find this quiz unbelievable, but knowing his friends…

"You know, like a bagel." James had his hands in his mouth to keep himself from laughing. "Or a banana or something if you're a girl, I guess."

This time all four of them laughed; Sirius laughed so hard he dropped the parchment.

"All right, next question! Have you ever engaged in bondage?"

"Bondage?" Remus asked.

"You know, Moony, you just grab Evvy and tie her to the bed with her Hufflepuff tie, then you start making out."

"No!" Remus yelled. "I don't think Evvy would like that."

"Here's one for you, Moony. Have you ever used chocolate sauce for something other than eating?"

"B-But…" Remus looked mortified, and the other three all laughed. "I wouldn't do that!"

"You all ready for the next question?" Sirius dropped his voice to a mysterious whisper. "Have you ever had sexual intercourse?"

"No…"

"Nope."

"Mm-mm."

"Yep."

Remus, who had been sipping a glass of water, spit it out and started choking; Peter, looking panicked, started pounding him on his back.

"DON'T TOUCH MY BACK!" Remus screamed at him. "I'm in enough pain right now without people _hitting_ me!"

"S-Sorry," Peter said meekly, drawing away.

"Well, I'm sorry to have shocked you, my dear Moony." Sirius raised his eyebrows. "But seeing as Lucy is a seventh year, and also my girlfriend…"

" _Lucy let the Quaffle in_ , _Lucy let the Quaffle in_ …" James started taunting in a singsong voice.

"If everything has to be Quidditch-related to you," said Sirius.

The other three Marauders were pretty shocked, though—here was one of their number who had actually Done It. Suddenly, Sirius seemed a lot older. Not to mention Lucy really was older—Sirius was sixteen, but Lucy would be eighteen one month from now.

"Where was it?" James asked.

"Whenwas it?" Remus added. (Of course, what both of them meant was, " _How_ was it?")

"Last year, right before summer vacation," Sirius told them. "We did it in the Shrieking Shack. Right on the bed."

"Sirius!" Remus cried. "How _could_ you?!"

"I'm just kidding, Moony." Sirius grinned. "We really opened up the Room of Requirement."

"Seriously?" said James. "It opens for stuff like _that_?"

"Apparently it does," Sirius told him. "And since it's the Room of Requirement, it has everything you need. Like it had a bed, and there was soft music playing, and there were scented candles, and a big old box of condoms sitting on the bed…ribbed for her pleasure."

James snorted with laughter, and Remus did a sort of muffled scream into his pillow.

"So we got down to our underwear and sat on the bed. I don't know what we were planning on doing at that point, but she noticed that I was a bit, um, enthusiastic. So she just gave me this flirty smile, I started to unhook her bra and she didn't stop me…Finally we'd undressed each other completely, and I kind of knocked her down onto the bed and straddled her. She was just all spread out on the bed, that beautiful long blue hair flowing everywhere…I remember it smelled kind of like coconuts…"

"Many of a woman's pheromones are released through her head," said Remus, although he wasn't quite sure why he said it.

"You know, you can be really strange sometimes," said Sirius. "She's not a dog in heat."

"Funny you should put it that way, _Padfoot_ …"

"Har-har."

"Those ribbed condoms," James interjected. "Did they work?"

"Well, you'll notice I'm not a father, so I'd say so."

"I mean, did they work for her _pleasure_?"

"She seemed like she enjoyed it," Sirius said lightly. "But I'll answer the question I know you all are wondering—yes, _I_ enjoyed it too."

"Oh, Padfoot, how was it?" Remus stretched out his right arm and wriggled it to help get rid of his monthly shoulder cramps.

"It's the greatest place to be on Earth." Sirius sighed; he still felt a jumping sensation in his stomach when he remembered his first time with Lucy. "I just—she was all, 'Oh my God, I'm having sex with Sirius Black', and I was all, 'Oh my God, I'm having sex with Lucy Marsh', and she laughed…and when she laughed I could feel…well, I believe I've told you about her being gifted in certain upper-level areas."

"Are you saying—oh, good _Lord_ is that hot," moaned James, staring longingly up at the ceiling.

"I was on my knees on the bed, she put her ankles on my shoulders—"

"How was she able to do that?" Remus demanded.

"Girls are just more flexible," Sirius replied. "So anyway, I went in…Lucy gave this little gasp, I asked her if I'd hurt her, she said no, it was just her first time too, and…and it feels great to be in there. Just kind of…warm and tight—wet, too. In a good way. We were making out, French-kissing, that is, I had one hand in her hair and the other on her breasts…she has very soft skin, mind you…and she was making these loud moaning noises in between the kissing, so I guess those condoms did work…"

"Jesus! How long until you—" James, like all the others, was listening with rapt attention.

"Well, I didn't _time_ it, Prongs," Sirius told him. "But like I said, it felt very good—like nothing I'd ever felt before—and it was my first time…I don't know, a little over five minutes, I suppose? And oh _man_ …you've never felt anything until you've felt that. I got real tired…I put back on my Gryffindor boxers, I jokingly dressed her in my uniform shirt, she curled up in my arms and we fell asleep. We were both so happy when we woke up."

"That's...that's pretty romantic, Padfoot," Remus admitted.

"Which brings me to the next part of the quiz." Sirius tossed the piece of parchment to James. "C'mon, you finish it up."

"These are the sex questions."

"Right."

"Okay then…" James adjusted his glasses. "Have you had sex outdoors?"

"Yeah, we did it by the lake once."

"Have you done it using a condom? Oh, well, we know the answer to that one already…Have you done it at the MOS's parents' house?"

"I can't say I have," said Sirius.

"Erm…have you ever done it during menstruation?"

Peter finally raised his hand. "B-But we don't—"

" _Hers_ , you idiot," said Sirius. "And, no. That's called blow job week."

"Have you ever done it in a public place such as a school, museum, or place of employment?"

"Hogwarts is a school, isn't it?" Sirius was grinning. "So, yes."

"Jeez, where are they _getting_ this stuff?" James looked incredulously at the long list. "Have you ever done it on the floor?"

"Nope."

"Bled from biting or scratching during sex?"

"No…"

"Somehow, I don't think I'll ever be doing that one, either," Remus added.

"Had a three-way?"

"Nope!" Sirius straightened up. "And I believe that's the end of the quiz."

"Really? Who won?" Remus would have scrambled for the quiz himself, but he didn't feel strong enough to get out of bed unless he had to. So he let James read it instead.

" _Scoring: This quiz is not meant to be scored_. _Instead, it is a measure of how honest you have been with your closest friends, and how much you have bonded. If you have lied, this piece of parchment has been bewitched to bite you, so watch out_."

"Hey, it's not biting any of us!" Remus smiled. "That means we bonded, I think."

"And we learned a few things," James said, nudging Sirius. "Although you might know that I am saving myself for a very special girl named Lily Evans."

"You'll get more action in a monastery with that attitude," said Sirius, rolling his eyes, and everyone laughed.

-the end-


End file.
